Even also I do not know, that me has forced to sit down for this story. Hands probably were very much scratched. The various themes and ideas turned round in a head not finding an exit. Inspiration to write something was, but the words did not reach the computer keyboard, the foggy images in consciousness persistently did not want to turn into the exact lines on the screen, the fingers refused to submit to the orders of the mental device. But at last something has clutched, the idea has appeared, and I bring my fat body up to a chair facing I began work.
Everything, that is written there is no what relation to real events below. All possible similarities, met by you, to the real characters are no more than casual concurrences.
To write about itself it is very difficult. Then I have decided, that it will be not the story about any concrete person, and collective abstraction from several completely or partially imaginated characters.
So, lets go. I am lazy, but is self-critical. I see all mistakes and lacks, but me awfully breaks off them to correct, I feel, that that on it to me weight of efforts and body moves can be required. And what for? Actually, I already for a long time have understood, that the result frequently does not depend at all on volume of the works, spent on its achievement. Therefore I never especially do not strain, and I prefer simply to follow obvious, nothing to plan for a long time and to solve problems and questions in process of their receipt. That is, nothing concrete to thinking, nothing concrete to making without nessessarity.
You are appreciable more and is requiring to final result, is assidious and is purposeful. And also is capable to work so much, how many it is necessary, finding in it any masochistic pleasure. Not clearly, what for? The work even most favourite has property if to it to be engaged monotonously in whole days. However, me with it to understand uneasily. You try to make our life by more measured and predicted, however features of life in a megalopolis and is astable of our existence all plans, resulting at times to the small conflicts and disassemblies. What for to plan, if it is not known, that happen with us in one half-year. I do not believe to any promises, assurances about eternal friendship, love and business. There is nothing eternal, nothing is true. I many times had to be the witness, how the most reliable firms fell and the most strongest friendship was broken. It is better to live by one day. Has lived - and well. And there - future will be visible later.
Inside me, probably, lives some different persons, therefore with me it is very difficult to live. Some years back I loved to compare myself to the computer. Like a cold souless electronic intelligence. Now I have understood, that the situation is much more complex. Apparently, I present a difficult bio-electronic hybrid of the computer, man and something extraterrestrial. (it is association, do not accept literally). Frequently I cannot be perceived seriously, and the people do not trust me. Yes what far to go behind an example? To take even it pseudo-artistic article, which I now furiously hollow out on the keyboard. It seems like I decided to swot up it throughout. What it, what for and to whom it is necessary? Shit happened, let will be.
Your behaviour is more predicted, it directly depends on mood, which directly depends on a situation at work. Or else, you in the greater degree, than I, are by the slave and hostage of the emotions. But away, some good news from my field of activity bring you some inspiration. Naturally, you also have some specific person-destruction Without it it would be too boring and is grey, and I for a long time from you would run away, or, more precisely, simply would pass then past. But you cannot be a bio-electronic hybrid: you the woman, mother of my children and keeper of the house warm. So some shortage of schizophrenia and crazy not only does not spoil yours renomme, but also in some sort, even is useful.
In general I selling according to bases of own psychology. It says, that all is sold and is bought. And that is not sold, is exchanged. Simply sometimes desirable costs of such money what to pay simply there is no sense, as it can be found more cheaply. And, by the way, still it strongly depends, how to buy it. Here there are psychological subtleties. To one can sell same much more cheaply, than another. The prices everywhere different and the disorder is very great. That is, I consider, that about not-selling simply does not know, where there is a shop. You tell, what it is cynical? Probably, yes, it is not romantic, and is not similar to all those pink, which love to dismiss some impressionable natures. The life is too dirty and confusing to be a romantic and to close eyes on its dark sides. Who with it disagrees - means either does not know life, or blind. One of these people - you. It is a property of the women. They is rare when harden by soul - for this purpose them it is necessary too strongly to get. You with foam on lips speak about not-selling and sacred ideals. And you see, actually, I have bought you. I went on the market of the women and looked around for better of the best. And you were bought on my promises, was struck with mine by my achievement, has felt a support and hope. And you has run follow me as trusful little dog. Well. Let deserved win! Let the one for whom it is necessary will prove, that it is really necessary for him also it can with it will cope and to find to this application. And it is good, that you by the softness, tenderness and romanticism my roughness and callousness. Because of it, in eyes environmental, we seem in very contrast and unusual pair, playing thus in secret, and only to us by one clear game, representing a sweet couple from Beauty and the Beast. And who knows you?... You see everything, that I now write about you - only my conjectures and imagination. Another's soul is dark. And it is possible, it you have bought me on mens market, has shaken off a dust, and I have decided, that after the appropriate restoration, cleaning and fine repair for something. Also has put on black. Also has put on me, having decided, that my opportunities are not exhausted yet and the reserves up to the end are not opened. You have talent to find everyones interesting in the most improper places. There can be, it interest, and can be and research, and can be and teacher's. The words are not present, it is clear, that is pleasant to come on all ready and simply to break a ripe apple. However, is soon found out, that the apple appears worm-eaten and half rotten. And can be, is more interesting take a black dirty stone, clean it and grind, and then, were admired to look at business of hands, sparkling and shining more brightly of brilliants and other jewels bought in shop. Made by the hands, especially, when know, with what it was up to, and see, with what it became then, always more pleasantly, and it should be more pleasant doubly, because the benefit of your work to both of us, and is possible and not only us...
I think, destiny was favourable to me. And you see could be, that me could and to not be. Or I you see I could be born in family of the Chinese beggar or in general die in childhood. I could be born in a far country side or to be a deaf and blind person or in general to be my father could not meet at all my mother, and your father too could pass indifferently by your mother, yes how many in general of obstacles was before our meeting, how many improbable and probable events should take place, that you have appeared so close.
All of us are optimists. We trust, that tomorrow it will be better, than today, and everything, that occurs, occurs to best. Ahead still whole life, and us still long to go beside. I consider, that from any situation it is possible to find an exit. The problem that an exit is sometimes searched long hardly and painfully. And I do not love to wait. To me all is direct at once and immediately. Therefore expectation of the decision of a problem frequently becomes heavier, than problem. It is clear, that all disassemblies and decisions of questions are assigned on my shoulders. You only cautiously prompt a direction of work, state the ideas and reasons. I am inexpressibly grateful for this support to you, because I can move forward, dissect, break, investigate only due to your fragile shoulders, on which I base. Such tandem ideally approaches for correct life in our mad world. One makes the way in unknown, and pulls behind itself another, which pushes him further, forcing to move forward, to the future. The law of a nature. Simply for us it was showed most typically, in all the shine, though expose on an exhibition. So that.
On it I have decided to interrupt a flow of my words. To write further - to chew of banality. The inspiration was terminated, has thawn from heat embodied in digital memory of the computer of words. All has sunk down is spent. Saved. It is better in time to brake, to take rest and to save of ideas for continuation.
Yours.
Me.
Translated 9 february 2002.